Photo by D Sharon Pruitt

As a Whole Life coach, I couldn’t let Valentine’s Day pass by without talking about LOVE. It’s that romantic, heady, amazing force that drives every aspect of life.

You may never have thought of it, but love relationships go through stages that are similar to the development stages of a business. This week’s article will compare the stages of love and the stages of a relationship. By the end, you’ll have some strategies for managing each stage.

The Seed Stage

In a business, the seed stage is the idea stage. It’s when you’re thinking, “Maybe I ought to go into this business.” Relationships have seed stages too. It’s when you’ve met someone and you like them. You start to REALLY like them. And they like you back. You’re thinking, “Maybe I ought to pursue this.”

Well, just as with a business idea, you have to keep your head about you. Before you decide to invest the time, energy, and emotions into a new relationship, take some time. Keep it cool. It’s like the line in that Jennifer Paige song, “It’s not like everything I do depends on you.” Too many people start trying to be what they think the other person wants them to be. “He likes sports so I’ll start learning football terminology.” “She’s involved in church, so I’ll start going with her on Sundays.”

Don’t get me wrong, there’s no problem having shared interests. Just make sure that you don’t lose yourself. It’s better to adopt the attitude that says, “Look. I’ll be me and you be you. If you see something you don’t like, there’s the door. If you like what you see, keep coming by.”

Here are some keys for navigating the seed stage.

• Recognize that at this point it’s only a crush. Don’t start envisioning that white picket fence. It takes a long time to get to really know if someone is relationship material.
• Keep your own life. Don’t stop your hobbies or avoid your friends because you’re hoping he’ll call. Resist the temptation to check your Facebook timeline every five minutes to see if she posted a comment.
• Have fun! This is one of the best times in a relationship. The “will he kiss me” or “will she go out with me again” phase is delicious. Savor it. Don’t rush.
  

The Start Up Stage

All right, it’s official. You’re in business. This phase is called the start up stage because it requires a tremendous amount of investment. You need money, time, and other resources. You need to have measurements in place to see if you’re investing your resources in the right place. This is the time to be as objective as possible.

Same thing in relationships. Once you’re in a “committed relationship,” it’s time to invest. You need to spend time together. You have to be able to evaluate if this person is a good fit for you.

The challenge during this phase, in both business and romance, is that we tend to wear rose-colored glasses. This stage is the time that we will hold as the ideal standard for the rest of the relationship. “But he used to call me from work every day.” “She used to dress up just for me.”

We tend to idealize our business or our mate. “I just KNOW that everyone will love my invention.” Or, “He is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Maybe everyone really will love your invention and maybe he really is the best thing that ever happened to you. But you can’t trust your feelings. You need to have observable data.

Here are some ideas to help you be objective. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Is he or she an honest person? A person who cheats on little things will cheat on big things.
• Is he or she nice to old people, babies, and animals?
• Do you share the same religious values? You may not think it’s important, but trust me. It is.
  

The Growth Stage

Once a business has made it through the start up stage, it’s faced with new opportunities and challenges. Effective management skills are necessary to navigate the rapid growth of your business.

In the growth stage of a relationship, you get married (or move in together as life partners). Life begins. You start to have children. Or you have money issues. The fantasy life ends. And real life begins.

Wait a minute. Where’s the fantasy? Who are you? What happened to that guy who used to leave me love notes? Where’s that woman who made my favorite meal every week?

This is the hardest transition for many couples. We aren’t taught that it’s going to be this hard. When I go to weddings, I find a moment to take the bride and groom aside and tell them, “Being married sucks at first. But it’s the best opportunity for you to grow as a person and as a family.” I don’t get invited to give many wedding toasts, but it’s true anyway.

So, what are some things you can do to navigate the growth stage?

• Get help. Just as a business needs to hire people, you can’t do this on your own. Develop an extended network of family and friends for social support.
• Put structure in place. As a business grows, it develops structures and processes to support growth. Plan a weekly date night. Formally divide the responsibilities. The more organized you are, the less conflict you’ll have.
• Develop communication policies. Businesses have formal structures in place for when employees have a grievance or when recognition is in order. Do the same thing in your relationship. Decide how to handle conflict. Develop negotiation skills. Don’t forget to recognize the accomplishments of the other person.
  

The Mature, Established Stage

Your business has matured into a thriving company. Many of the growing pains you experienced in the growth phase have eased. Now is the time to reap the rewards of your hard work.

If you’ve navigated through the stages of a relationship it will progress to the mature, established stage (hopefully! We've all seen relationships that never seem to get out of the growth stage.)

This is where it gets good. This is when you feel like your mate is your best friend. You know what to expect from your partner and you value and appreciate all that he or she brings to your life. You’re able to move into a sense of comfortable space. These are the rewards of a mature relationship.

As with a business, though, there are some things you need to watch out for. Just as a business needs to make sure that it doesn’t become obsolete or too slow to adapt to changes, you need to make sure that you don’t take the relationship for granted.

Here are some suggestions for keeping the mature, established relationship healthy.

• Understand that your partner can’t fulfill all of your needs. In times gone by, women and men had different social groups. Women would play bridge and men would play poker. In a mature relationship, don’t expect your partner to meet every one of your needs. Diversify your life so that you can appreciate what your mate has to offer instead of focusing on what he or she lacks.
• Keep it fresh. This isn’t the time to give up on date night or romantic gestures. Stay creative in finding new ways to be romantic.
• Stay focused on being the kind of partner you want to be. Don’t treat the other person the way you think they deserve to be treated. Instead, be the way you enjoy being. Be happy and loving even if it isn’t reciprocated.
  

No matter what stage you are in, recognize that your happiness in love has nothing to do with the other person. It is a choice you make. The only thing you can control in your relationship is how you act.

“A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.”
John Steinbeck